


Spider-Man Reacts to Headlines About Himself | BuzzFeed Celeb

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [9]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, Buzzfeed, Gen, Humor, Internet, Interviews, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Secret Identity, Social Media, Video, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-22 11:16:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21301148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: "Hey everyone, it's Spider-Man!"The costumed superhero shoots off a two-fingered salute and turns it into a jaunty wave at the camera."I'm here at Buzzfeed to react to headlines about myself. I can only imagine what we'll see."
Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484537
Comments: 56
Kudos: 607
Collections: Peter Parker's Tales





	Spider-Man Reacts to Headlines About Himself | BuzzFeed Celeb

**Author's Note:**

> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.

"Hey everyone, it's Spider-Man!"

The costumed superhero shoots off a two-fingered salute and turns it into a jaunty wave at the camera. He is sitting in a director's chair in front of a simple blue set that is brightly lit.

"I'm here at Buzzfeed to react to headlines about myself. I can only imagine what we'll see. I don't have a heads up, I don't usually look at that stuff anymore. It hurts my brain."

He accepts a tablet passed to him by a crew member and swipes at it a couple times to find the first headline.

The headline displays on screen, '**SPIDER-MAN: SUPER-HERO OR SUPER-ZERO**?'

The vigilante laughs, leaning his weight onto his right elbow and scanning the article absently.

"Well," he begins, "Why can't I be both?"

He looks up at the camera and says, "Technically I am a superhero, though I just consider myself a guy trying to do his best to help out where he can. And if you asked anybody I went to high school with, they'd tell you I am a giant loser. So there you go, The Daily Bugle isn't necessarily wrong I guess." He shrugs.

"I'm kidding!" he exclaims, waving his arms, "Well, I mean, not really. They really would say I am a giant loser. But for all my fellow losers out there, 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. High five for anyone who knows where that quote came from."

'**SPIDER-THIEF ROBS AGING WORLD WAR II VETERAN**,' the next headline displays on screen, followed by a large image of Spider-Man in Germany, holding Captain America's shield.

Spider-Man takes one glance at it and bursts into laughter, clutching his gut.

"Oh my God," he splutters, "That's amazing!"

He hangs his head backwards and clutches his forehead.

"Okay," he gasps after a moment, sitting up and choking down the rest of his laughter, "Okay. For those of you who aren't aware, this is a picture from Germany, during the Avengers' Civil War fiasco, as people are calling it. As many people know, the conflict came down to two sides, Team Captain America and Team Iron Man. I was recruited by Tony to help, therefore I was against Team Cap. This picture was taken right after I had made my grand entrance and had stolen Cap's shield. The aging World War II veteran they're talking about is Steve. Oh man, I can't wait to rub this in his face. This is amazing."

'**MASKED MENACE CRAWLS UP SKYSCRAPER TO DISARM POTENTIALLY HARMLESS BOMB - BUT WHO WILL CLEAN THE SCUFFED-UP WINDOWS?**'

"Seriously?" Spider-Man groans. "Okay, I'm trying really hard not to grit my teeth because at this rate I'll end up with dentures before I'm thirty. First of all," he sticks his pointer finger in the air before jabbing it at the tablet, "If I need to disarm it, it's not harmless. Further, a 'harmless' bomb doesn't exist unless it's a bath bomb, and even then a lot of them have glitter. And we all know glitter is the herpes of the craft world. And finally," he gestures decisively with his free hand, "If you're more concerned with smudges on a window you've seriously got your priorities screwed up." He shakes his head and facepalms.

**SWINGING VIGILANTE FOILS BANK ROBBERS' PLOT, FORCING MODERN DAY ROBIN HOOD'S CHILDREN TO GO HUNGRY!'**

"Wow, another winner," he says sardonically. "See, this is the reason I stopped looking at press about myself. This is utter foolishness. I'm sorry that your children are hungry, but bank robber is not a valid profession, try again. They shouldn't be running ridiculous articles, demonizing me for stopping a crime. They should be running articles educating people about volunteer programs that can help people in need, such as the not for profit foundation I volunteer at, FEAST. They help give folks in need a place to sleep and a warm meal in their belly. They also provide counseling, and resources to help people find jobs and permanent housing. They do a lot of good there, and they genuinely care."

Spider-Man aggressively swipes his finger on the tablet to move to the next headline, sighing heavily as though he doesn't want to live on this planet anymore.

'**GLOBAL WARMING, IS SPIDER-MAN TO BLAME?**'

"Is Spider-Man to blame for-" he repeats incredulously, "How on earth can I possibly be to blame for global warming?" He rereads the headline and splutters to himself. "Global warming is such a large scale issue," he tells the camera, "It's not the responsibility of any one person. I think I can physically feel my blood pressure rising," he complains with a sigh. "Okay, lesson time. Global Warming 101, listen up, take notes." He shifts forward in his chair. "Carbon dioxide, or CO2, is produced by the burning of fossil fuels for things like making electricity and to power our vehicles. Global warming occurs when this CO2 and other air pollutants collect in the atmosphere and absorb sunlight and solar radiation that has bounced off the earth's surface. Now, normally this radiation would have just bounced off the earth's surface and escaped into space," he mimics the radiation bouncing off his knee with his hand, "but all these pollutants that we have put there, and which can last for centuries by the way, traps the heat and causes the planet to get hotter." He balances the tablet on his lap and clenches his hands together into a fist to demonstrate the heat being trapped. "This is known as the greenhouse effect, which you may have heard of before." He shifts back in his chair again to get more comfortable. "We've got a long way to go still, but we're starting to take the issue seriously. We need to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, and fast. Stark Industries knows this, and you can check out their website for more information on how they're tackling clean energy. They've also got some pretty cool electric cars, which you guys should check out if you drive." He grins at the camera, "There you go, Tony. Don't say I never plug you."

'**ARACHNID CRIMINAL PLAYS GOD AND PREVENTS ORPHANAGE SCHOOL BUS FROM PLUMMETING OFF BRIDGE, DEFYING MOTHER NATURE'S INTENTIONS**,' the next headline dramatically displays on screen.

Spider-Man slowly blinks his eye lenses at the camera, dumbfounded. He takes a deep, calming breath in, holding it for several seconds before exhaling slowly through his mouth. He opens his mouth to respond, pauses, and closes his eyes and shakes his head, needing another minute.

"Wow," he eventually drawls. "I'm not sure I have any words for this. This is," he tries to think of a word to describe it and comes up blank, shaking his head with a helpless shrug. "Tabloids at its finest, ladies and gentlemen" he eventually decides on.

"I can't even entertain the idea that this news agency is suggesting that that bus full of orphaned children should have-" he cuts himself off with an animalistic growl in the back of his throat.

"I can't. I just can't, can we move on, please?" He asks a crew member standing off camera, sounding strained.

'**SPIDER-MAN'S WEBS RUINED MY DESIGNER BLOUSE!**'

The arachnid reluctantly snorts and tries to shake off his anger from the previous headline.

"Okay, that's kind of funny." He giggles to himself. "Not to be that guy or anything, but if you have a designer blouse in the first place, you can probably afford another. And I think an unnecessarily expensive shirt is a suitable trade for your life and well-being." He shrugs, unapologetic. "Furthermore, the webs dissolve in like, a couple hours. Your shirt isn't ruined, just give it time. Don't be so impatient. Let's be real, you're probably not going to do your own laundry anyway. Just give it to the dry cleaner like you always do. By now, I don't think there's a single self respecting dry cleaner in the city that doesn't know what's up. They'll get you sorted, they're used to me by now. They're experts at dealing with my webs."

'**IS SPIDER-MAN TONY STARK'S ILLEGITIMATE SON?**' Screams the next headline.

The arachnid laughs and taps his fingertips together, "And now I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I tell the truth or do I use this opportunity to screw with people and give Tony a migraine? Decisions, decisions," he taps thoughtfully at his lips with his pointer fingers. After a moment of deep thought he sighs resignedly.

"The truth is," he trails off dramatically before he adopts his best Maury impression as he announces loudly, "He is _not_ the father!"

He giggles to himself and slaps his thigh in mirth. "Oh man, I'll be thinking about this later and I know I'll regret not screwing with people. That could have been so fun. I can just see the vein in Tony's temple throbbing, nostrils quivering. Amazing," he says wistfully.

"Nah," he confirms, "We're not blood related. We have known each other a few years now though, and I see him as a mentor and a kind of father figure. We consider each other family anyway, since neither of us really have any family left, and the Avengers are really just one big family anyway. So in a way I guess I'm kind of his son (he'll deny it but secretly shed a tear), but not in the way the news article is suggesting. I sometimes jokingly call him 'IronDad' and he calls me 'Kid', and I'm probably around the right age range to his Playboy days, so I think that might be where the reporters got that idea." He shrugs.

"But if that's what you guys want to think, I'm not mad about it. I'd be honored to have Tony as my real dad. There's a whole other side to him that I feel bad you guys don't get to see."

He grins at the camera as his lenses squint mischievously, "Butter me up and maybe I'll expose him for you."

'**SPIDER-MAN FORCES ELDERLY LADY TO CROSS THE ROAD AGAINST HER WILL**'

"What?" He laughs out. "That's absurd, why would I force somebody to cross the road? That sounds like the beginning of a stupid chicken crossing the road joke. 'Why did the old lady cross the road? Because Spider-Man said so, or else.'" Spider-Man pretends to act tough and menacing, sitting up straight and puffing out his chest while jutting his chin forward.

'**DOES SPIDER-MAN COCOON HIS ENEMIES AND CONSUME THEIR FLESH?**'

The fabric around his mouth twitches and he glances slyly at the camera as his eye lenses narrow sinisterly. "I don't know," he purrs in a dark voice, "Do I?"

'**SPIDER-MAN 'SAVES' BUSINESSMAN, FORCES HIM TO BE LATE TO BOARD MEETING**,' the headline reads.

"Well," Spider-Man deadpans, "He'd have been much later if he was dead. Hashtag sorry not sorry for saving your life, you're welcome. If your board members aren't understanding about your near death experience, perhaps you need to seek alternative employment. That's just craziness." Spider-Man pinches the bridge of his nose and hangs his head backwards in exasperation.

'**SPIDER-MAN DENTED MY CAR CATCHING A SPEEDING BUS!**'

The hero shakes his head, "I'm sorry your vehicle was damaged, I know that's not cheap to fix. But if I dented your car while catching a speeding bus, it probably means that both you _and_ your car were about to be written off, and I like to think your life is priceless. So, you're welcome for saving your life? C'mon, guys! Perspective, people!" He claps his hands twice to punctuate the words. "Get some."

'**SPIDER-MAN CRASHES TWEEN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, FULFILLS HER BIRTHDAY WISH!**'

Spider-Man grins so wide that it stretches the fabric around his mouth. "I remember this, I bet they're taking about Bethany! She was so sweet! And her little brother, Josh, too. Apparently they're the biggest Spider-Man fans! Shout out to Bethany and Josh and their family! You guys were a blast to hang out with!" Spider-Man gives the camera a double thumbs up. "Bethany's mom entered a contest I was running to help raise funds for FEAST and she won a meet and greet with yours truly. She requested that instead of the meet and greet, that I surprise her daughter and crash her birthday party, which I was super pumped to do. We played pin-the-spider-on-Spider-Man, and tag, both of which they kicked my butt at, and had some delicious cake! And get this, her mom decorated it in spider webs with icing!" He clutches a hand to his heart. "So much fun! I was honored to be a part of her special day, and I'll remember it forever! Hope you guys are doing well!"

'**SPIDER-MAN CHANNELS HIS NAMESAKE, USES EXTRA APPENDAGES TO CARRY GROCERIES FOR BUSY MOM OF TRIPLETS**,' the last headline reads.

Spider-Man laughs delightedly and claps his hands together, tablet balanced on his lap. "I love that they phrased it that way, 'extra appendages'. As though they think I actually have eight arms or something. Guys, I'm not actually a spider! It's just an aesthetic! I have two perfectly normal arms." He waves his arms to prove his point. "On this particular day, if I remember correctly, I was helping diffuse a shootout. I was wearing the Iron Spider suit, which you guys probably haven't seen me wear very much if at all. It's a nano tech suit designed by Tony Stark, similar to his bleeding edge armor. I don't wear it often because we consider it to be my Avenger suit for the most part, for the heavy duty stuff, and since I'm not technically an Avenger yet I try not to rely on it. It's bulletproof, so it's ideal for the heavy hitting situations that I would deal with as an Avenger, but the trade off is that it's not as agile as I usually prefer to be able to deal with the more street level crimes like theft and assault. But since this was a messy shootout I broke out the Iron Spider since I didn't fancy doing my best impression of Swiss cheese. So I was swinging my way back home afterwards and I see this absolutely frazzled young woman trying to juggle three screaming newborns and about a dozen bags of groceries. Now, she was doing an admirable job, don't get me wrong, but it looked like she was running on approximately four large coffees, half a bagel, and two hours of sleep in the past forty eight hours or so and was about to break into ugly sobs, so I dropped in and heroically saved her grapefruit from rolling into traffic. It was a lot of bags and I had the suit, so I figured what the hell. So I activated the waldoes, which are these four nano tech spider arms that protrude from my back, and used them to help carry the bags. It was hilarious, and the babies calmed down since they were so fascinated, and we got everyone squared away. I like to think she maybe even managed to get a nap after I left. Mandy, I think her name was. Mandy," he says, waving at the camera, "I hope you guys are all doing well. You're doing an amazing job!"

The masked vigilante spreads his arms wide, "Well, that's it for this video! I hope you guys enjoyed watching, and I doubly hope you guys take these headlines about me with a grain of salt. They're mostly ridiculous, but considering I'm also incredibly ridiculous, I guess I can understand where you might be uncertain about the more dubious contributions." He laughs and waves at the camera, "Seeya, guys!"

* * *

Comments:

**Ultimatebooknerd**

Wow I don't think I've ever seen this cinnamon roll ever actually mad before. Spidey almost snapped!

**enchanted_nightingale**

Spidey you're invited to my birthday party too! Please come!

**Jennay**

finding out spidey was a giant loser in highschool makes me feel so much better about myself lol

**Saradanvers**

Eleanor Roosevelt said that quote! That's my fave!!

**forever_bibliophile**

i love how gleeful he is to make fun of steve being called an aging world war II vet

**AlterNight**

GLITTER IS THE HERPES OF THE CRAFT WORLD ROFLMAO

**AloonaWoola**

Spidey plugging FEAST, he's so wholesome <3

**Rocnarok**

webhead over here schooling people on climate change, i love it!!!

**Kitty22803**

i wonder if he was joking or if legit all the dry cleaners in the city are experts at removing webbed clothing hahahahaha

**SpideyFics**

#irondad!!!!

**Jem_Crystairs**

yes, please expose tony stark. i am here for this kinda content.

**Nebulous_Disaster**

oml, his reaction to whether or not he consumes flesh killed me. he's so funny! what a troll!

**Elaygrimm**

reading some of these just reminds me how hecking ungrateful some people are...

**arrogantdog**

spidey, saviour of grapefruits everywhere

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Can I wish for you for my next birthday?

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please drop me a line and let me know you enjoyed yourself!


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